I've been musing on a lot of things since my last post here, back in...uh...June. Since then, I've moved into my new apartment, said goodbye to my roommates and closest friends here, and been part of the celebrating at three weddings. Sadly, I'm still working for Marley & Scrooge, but that's neither here nor there.

I've been keeping track of the whirlwind romances of my family members via Facebook, and I have to tell you, it is something to see, if only because I remember those exact things happening to me. I kind of want to sit down with Adriana over some hot chocolate and tell her how, when I was twelve, I fell madly in love with Robbie Gillman, who gave me my first kiss. I want to tell her how some mutual friend who's name I don't remember suggested that I should date Adam Lent, and that's how Adam and I started going out. And I want to tell Dan about my trying to keep dating Goran a secret from my dad, because I think he'd get a kick out of it. I'd like to tell him how Peter broke my heart and how Chris won me over by being silly and sincere. I'd like to tell him how desperately I wanted that high school love to last forever, and how sure I was that it would.

But honestly, I'm shy about talking to my own cousins. Especially Dan, who is much, much cooler than I will ever be.

Since Dawn and Sarah moved away, it seems like all of my new friends come as a pair; even Zack's frat buddies are starting to bring along girlfriends. And there's something about being at weddings that makes you re-evaluate your own relationship, in a frightening sort of way: you think, what if that were me up there? What if that were him? Do I want that? Could we make it work? And it's relieving to be able to answer: no, I don't want that, not right now. It takes a little pressure off.

I spent a lot of time during our break remembering all of the things I love about Zack, and about how he makes me feel, and I've spent a lot of time in the past few months talking with dear friends about their relationships, and it turns out, we all have a lot of the same questions. What's the future going to bring? Are he and my family ever going to be comfortable enough together? Are the little annoying quirks he has going to turn into deal-breakers? Why can't I just be 12 and in love with Robbie Gillman because he has amazing hair??!?

It's quite a lot to think about. And the truth is, I'm going to need to step up and bring up some things I'd rather not, but that's okay. Relationships are two-ways streets, right? And as much as I love the guy, he's going to have to do a lot more than just the dishes if he wants to convince me that we have an entire future together.

Junior high was easier, huh?

I want this apartment SO BADLY. Giant windows, awesome tiling, living space, ginormous bedroom, beautiful new kitchen, yard...

Zack keeps reminding me that there are other awesome apartments out there, and not to be too bummed if I can't get this one, and I know he's right. (Deep down, I have to reluctantly admit that he's right about a lot of things.) I can't even fully explain why I want this one so much. I can just...see myself there, very easily. Which is awesome.

Although I'd have to sneak in a cat.

The reason I'm thinking about this, is that I'm looking at the space again on Friday with Zack, because hopefully by Friday I will have been notified that I have the Penn job, with which I could pay for the above mentioned awesome apartment.

After taking out a loan for the down payment. It's either that, or time to start stuffing the mattress with change.

Seriously, though, out of three hundred applicants, its between me and two others. I'll take those odds.

If that doesn't pan out, I have a preliminary interview scheduled at a NJ marketing firm for next week, which would obviously pay more, but I'd need some way to commute to Cherry Hill every day.

Whew. As Zack says, there's plenty of time, and I'm way more on top of things than I think I am. I even have three other viewings scheduled for this week! So I'm doing okay. I just feel rushed. It's a strange feeling for such a chronic procrastinator.

I don't want to be an adult...and I don't want to go to work tomorrow...and I don't want to hang out with Zack and the frat boys but I also don't want to sit here in my room by myself being sulky...and I'm getting frustrated with the whole apartment/job search already and it's only been a week...

Augh. One of Those Days.

At least I have my health. (Physical. Obviously not so much mental.)

I have been so awesomely productive this week.

Item the First: For those of you not in the know, Zack and I are officially Back on Track. Which is FABULOUS. He's even been helping me with...

Item the Second: Apartment hunting! I have, count 'em, FIVE viewings between now and Monday, for apartments ranging in size from studio to one bedroom, from $600 a month to $750 (but the $750 one is SO AWESOME, omg, I wants it, precious). I plan to take pictures and copious amounts of notes at all of these viewings, and then I'll post 'em so you fine folks can help me pick.

Item the Third: That Job Interview Shaped Thing is happening Monday morning, before work. It's actually just a brief meeting, to discuss the position, but I am feeling GOOD about it, and I'm confident an actual interview and offer will be forthcoming.

Item the Fourth: There is no Item the Fourth.

Item the Fifth: I have FINISHED all of the files that needed to be finished for work by tomorrow, because I am awesome like that.

Item the Sixth: I've been running three mile loops pretty routinely (five times a week). This is pretty huge for me.

I'm so impressed by myself that I'm taking tonight off to watch the third season of Lost--only now all I want to do is go play Penny Widmore somewhere.

I mean, I think that's reasonable.

Iiiiiii have an interview at Penn for a job next week.

Good vibes are appreciated. GET ME OUT OF THE FORECLOSURE BUSINESS.

Also,: what the heck is up with Archie MARRYING Veronica? That is sick and wrong! First of all, they're only in high school, and second, everyone knows he's going to pick Betty in the end!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY CHILDHOOD, ARCHIE COMICS?

Help I cannot possibly furnish an entire functional apartment by myself.

I wish it were possible to have a registry for: "my roommates are all moving out of the city and I don't own any dishes." Alas, they are still chained solely to bridal purposes. Registries, not my roommates.

More on all of this later when I am less likely to burst into tears at the thought of being alone come September.

There seems to be some sort of epidemic going around.

I'm not talking about swine flu, or the current obsession with Twitter, or any of the numerous flash-in-the-pan epidemics that effect my somewhat flighty and sometimes frivolous group of acquaintances.

No, what I mean is: everybody and their mother is moving in with their significant other after what seems to me to be a very minimal amount of time wrapped in the joys of dating.

Maybe it's just that my friends are getting to that age: the one where they want to settle down and play house instead of live on ramen noodles and slog clothes packed into work bags from one apartment to another, and it was just a matter of time before they began to crave a more domestic lifestyle, but of the past, what, five? couples that I know who are moving in together, only one of them has been together for more than a year. Does that strike anyone else as a bit, well, hasty?

Don't get me wrong. I've been there. I've felt that draw to play house, to make brunch and coffee and wash dishes together before falling asleep in front of the TV. I know how nice that sounds. And I also know that a year ago, I too probably would have leapt with a happy cry into co-habitation (sorry, Mum, but it's true), regardless of better judgment and a pre-existing lease, if I'd thought the opportunity was there. I was in complete infatuation, and so was Z.A., and all we wanted to do was spend every second together. I can also say with complete conviction that if I had, Zack and I would have been splitsville before our first anniversary back in November.

Not to mention there's so much to enjoy in developing a relationship past that first fiery infatuation: in gaining trust, in building habits together, looking forward to seeing the other person. I fall more in love with Zack every time we see each other, because every time we see each other I'm reminded again of all the things I love about him. We've been together for a year and a half now and I don't think the foundation of our relationship has ever been stronger.

So I'm interested in this trend, partially because these are my friends and I have some interest in their welfare, but also because of a certain morbid, or possibly academic, curiousity.

Of course, these things aren't always a bad idea, after all, my cousin and her paramour moved in together before their first anniversary and that seems to have been working well, both emotionally and financially. On the other hand, I just ran into another friend, who, faced with the same situation, apparently just broke up with his girlfriend after living together for a little over a year. Perhaps I'm only wary because I've seen what living together can do to close friends, let alone a couple.

So I don't know. I'm not really looking for any answers here, but I do find myself completely flummoxed by this trend. Does it mean I should be at a different point in my relationship? Impossible. Even if Zack and I hadn't had a rough spot over January and February, I like having my own spaceand he likes his. Not to mention it would give my father a heart attack.

I guess I've been feeling a bit left behind, lately. A lot of my friends and relatives are turning corners, moving forward, realizing their potential, and I feel a bit lost still. I'm so excited for my cousin who just graduated from Mt. Holyoke, but I'm jealous that she's going to graduate school in the fall and I don't even know if I WANT to go back to school, let alone have a plan to. I'm similarly humbled by her little sister, who makes me ask myself: should I have tried to graduate early? Should I have done more? Should I have been faster, more clever, less laid-back about school? I beat myself against the wall at Wellesley and worked myself to exhaustion, but what do I really have to show for it? If I stay in Philadelphia, what will I do to make sure I'm not wasting my time? How can I improve myself and not burn myself out? Should I be trying to burn myself out? If I don't stay, where should I go?

Aren't existential crises the best? Do you want to play questions?

Hmm. No wonder I'm feeling a bit rudderless. That's a lot of questions for one lowly lil' girl to answer.

I'm going to need some more coffee.

Thanks, Ames, for inspiring me to change my desktop photo. From now on, when I open my laptop, I'll have Zac Efron standing there taking off his shirt.

See?



I'm not so sure about how the other Zack in my life will feel about it, but come on, let's be honest: his opinion on Zac Efron is just one of those little character flaws I have to live with.

It's time for me to re-upload my Blonde Bombshell icon: I've decided to go back to blonde this weekend, and I've been doing yoga + push-ups + sit-ups pretty regularly for the last few days and have finally gotten back into a routine, so the bombshell part isn't all that far off either. I'm aiming for a legitimate size 6 (by which I mean jeans, by which I mean Not Gap) and/or 140lbs by beach season. Should be doable, that's only a 10lb loss, or one jean size to go.

On Saturday we had a banner night here at the Corral: by which I mean we threw a toga party for Sarah!Roomie's birthday. There were even frat boys there, but by some horrible miscalculation, no one could find a version of "Shout!" to play, so we had to settle for lesser music. Sunday was Adventure Day; we adventured out of the city and into the wilds of New Jersey to find a Sonic. Sarah!Roomie and I had seen commercials for them for over a year, but there are no locations in Philly, so we had to take drastic measures. Much horrifying fried food was had by all.

Anything up with you guys?

My tragic flaw, like that of Marx Marvelous, is ambivalence. I don't mean apathy, though I suffer from that on a fairly regular basis as well; I mean indecision. My interests wax and wane by the week, and sometimes by the hour: that just doesn't seem right.

That's an extended way of saying that my personal pendulum is swinging back in the direction of law schools...but not very strongly.

This mystifies me, and since this is my journal and y'all are a captive audience, I'm going to muse on it for a second. Why is it that I can't seem to decide what I want to do? Is my nature really so whimsical? I don't think so. Whimsy is all very well but I can be practical from time to time without suffering any real loss of character. Indecisiveness doesn't seem to be a personality trait that I should be, y'know, cultivating.

And yet I can't decide. People tell me to find what I love, and do that. Well, okay...but I love doing lots of things! I love writing, I love listening to music, I love playing guitar (poorly). I love editing. I love swimming. I love studying. I like the idea of studying law, but I also like the idea of studying art history, or marine biology.

What's an indecisive girl to do?

I should really start making this journal the default one I log into, because, seriously, over a month since I last posted? And with all the DRAMAZ that have been going on in the sitcom that is my life? Shame, Lorna Doone. Shame on me.

Anyway. Item the first: First workout since getting The Plague two weeks ago = ACHEIVED. And by "workout" I mean going back to Week 1 of the 100 pushups and 200 situps programs. Pre-Plague, I'd been up to Week 3 of both, so I'm a little annoyed to be back at Square One, but come summertime I'll be too busy looking fabulous in my bikini to be all that annoyed.

Item the second: Working Things Out with Z.A. continues apace. We've gotten back into seeing each other fairly regularly, and talking again, and we're definitely working towards getting our relationship back on track, which is good. It's just taking a while, which is...good. Still, I have many charms, and yet patience is not one of them, so I'm getting a little antsy. Some significant progress was made this weekend, I think, but I'm also expecting it to cause a little backwards step. We're both trying to be careful and let this evolve naturally, and we're a little gunshy about jumping right back into the way we used to be, so this weekend, while fantastic because we saw so much of each other, was almost an overload. I think it was the most I've seen of him since our break back in January.

So. Good thoughts are still appreciated. I'm doing my best to deal with this like a rational human being.

As a total sidenote, that reminds me that I actually got a decent piece of advice from a VH1 reality show (I know, I know, they are the bane of my house and the addiction of us all), which was: Children whine and complain. Women deal with it.

So I am trying to deal.

Sometimes its still annoying, though.

Item the third: There is no item the third.

Item the fourth: All around, life is pretty good. Still, I find myself at work each day thinking of all the things I need to do at home, and I kick myself for not doing them...and then I get home and promptly forget to do whatever it was I had wanted so desperately to do at work. Thoughts?

Item the fifth: I love my family and friends. They are the bomb. They are superfine. They are fabulous. That's you!

LOOK WHAT KATH AND AMY GOT ME:



It's The Death and Return of Donna Troy, and I am currently curled up in bed reading it with the most intense glee.

Say it with me: Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerd!

It's a little known fact that I want to write comics. So little-known, in fact, that only Jeff and Sarah B. know it, and since my generally reliable sources tell me that they are in fact only two of the multitudes of you, I'm willing to be that you Did Not Know That.

It's an even lesser known fact that I want to write for DC. And only one person knows of my grand scheme to shock the DC universe back into sense by writing Donna Troy adventures. I shake my fist at you, old white men who run DC Comics! Someday I will p0wn you all.

So this works out pretty well as a birthday gift to me.

Oh yeah, and I'm back from Maryland. What, you didn't know I was in Maryland this week? Well, let me tell you why, in form of a handy list:

Things my firm is useless at:

1. Telling you where you need to be;

2. Telling you when you need to be there;

3. Telling to you what you will be doing once you arrive.

They deserve a long and disappointed sigh, which is exactly what they've gotten from me all week. However, on the plus side, I did get to have dinner with two fabulous ladies on two different nights: the fantabulous dramaminequeen on Wednesday, and my long-lost cousin Junebugs last night. Both were highly entertaining and enjoyable evenings, especially last night, since previously I had seen Junebugs last at, oh...my cousin's wedding something like six years ago. Before that, I believe I was pre-junior high at our last meeting.

But the jokes and family stories flew, and it turns out that the gap in age, living space (she spent a good deal of my teenage and college years living in California, while I was still solidly East Coast), and experience can do little damage to shared characteristics. Those Gingras genes are more stubborn than I thought!

Every time I see one of my cousins, I am reminded of how strongly I feel about family. I have this crazy large, stubborn, Yankee collective of a family that is loud and feisty and talented all over, and I just love all of 'em to death, but it's becoming clearer and clearer that there are some major gaps in our relationships. I don't know many of my cousins as well as I used to or as well as I would like to, and that makes me a little sad when we're all together having fun but we don't really know much about what everyone is doing or how they're growing up.

And yeah, I told her about her dad and the VFW on the Cape. What? It's a good story... :)

It's been an interesting week.

On Sunday, Zack and I decided (that sounds so logical and reasoned, but there was nothing of either element about this particular conversation) to take a short break from each other, leaving me single for the next sixteen days. There were a lot of reasons for this decision, none of which I particularly want to get into here, except to say that we both need some space to grow and remember that we are independent individuals.

I have to admit, even though this break was my idea and my doing, it really has me fairly well shattered. I love Zack, and he loves me, and I've never been in a situation where, even though neither person wants to break up, they do anyway, partially for themselves but also because they believe the other needs it...

Either way, I saw him yesterday when I stopped over to get some things I'd left at his apartment, and we said goodbye until his birthday, January 30th. I've got no idea what he'll do, or what we'll say to each other or feel when we see each other again, or if this break is temporary or permanent, but I'm doing the best I can to stay positive, to enjoy my sudden influx of free time, and am embracing every opportunity for change that comes my way. I've already entirely rearranged my room, plan to dye my hair, and starting joining Las Vegas Roomie for her late-night adventures.

I also took a job that I never would accepted. Currently, I'm in a hotel in Laurel, Maryland, as my firm sent me to help the office here increase productivity and efficiency. Not only is a it a resume booster, but the ego boost from learning how much stock my firm has in me and in my abilities was very welcome.

I'm enjoying the job so far; I was afraid I wouldn't be able to pinpoint any way to help, but after training with the employees today and working with their system, I'm confident that I can help them reorganize and restructure to give the office a boost. It's a good feeling.

I miss Zack a lot. The hope that I keep trying to push away, in fear of its hurting me worse later, is that when we see each other on the 30th, we'll be able to come back together and be stronger than before.

Good thoughts might help.

Right now I feel a lot like Prudence in that song by that group from Liverpool...you know...that one, with the uncut hair and the "yeah, yeah, yeah"'s. The story goes that Prudence Farrow, intent on meditation, stayed in her room for the majority of the day. John Lennon, afraid that she was depressed, wrote this song for her: "Dear Prudence, won't you come out to play?"

Now, I am not deep in the study or practice of Transcendental Meditation, but I do feel like I'm settling back into my room, door closed, and want someone to come tempt me out of solitude...

Mostly this somewhat azure-tinted attitude is due to my having to leave my family and the Cape this morning to journey back to Philadelphia, work, and an as-yet unresolved argument with Z.A. I really do sort of feel like hiding out in my room, so that I don't have to deal with the real world, but then...the sun is up, the sky is blue.

Christmas was lovely. This year our family traditions--decorating the tree with our massive collection of ornaments and the same garlands we've had since I was born, singing Christmas songs by the Kingston Trio, waking every one up to do stockings, waiting impatiently for the coffee to finish brewing so that we could delve into the stretched out nylon that make up our stockings each year, finding that annual can of Murphy's at the top--were sweeter than ever, in our new-old house.

Mum and Pop did such a beautiful job with the house, and finally it is something they can really call their own. The furniture is new and handpicked by them, the colors are warm and cozy and clean, and the whole house is glowing with warmth and happiness and love. Our family member has recovered from the beating it took last winter, and has come out the better for it. All the stress and fear and sadness of last year was completely erased by the glitter of Christmas lights, the crackle of the fire, the laughter of my family. No place like home, right?

So now I'm back in Philadelphia, wishing I were at the Cape to pet Salty, joke with Kath, read with Amy, cook with Mum, play music with Pop. I did all of those things, of course, while home, but not enough of them. But then, that's what other trips home are for, no? For now, I concentrate on work tomorrow--starting my new position--on my guests arriving tomorrow night, on seeing Z.A. tomorrow and straightening things out with him, on my University of Colorado, Boulder application. A lot to think about. I think 2009 is going to be full of choices for me to make and places for me to go and new things for me to learn...I hope so. That's what makes life interesting.

My New Year's resolution is to be a better person in every way I can think of...to go to church, to try to keep my temper, to laugh when I feel more like yelling, to sing when I feel like crying. I have a lot of good role models to keep in mind, which is good, because frankly my willpower is not what it could be :)

Anyway, Happy New Year's all! I hope you're all feeling happy and loved and warm...and wealthy, if you can manage it. (If you can, will you let me know your secret?)

Love,

La

You know what? Today I finally received messages back from two people I'd written to months ago...two of my three best childhood friends. Daren got back to me, from all the way across the globe, and Nina responded to a message I sent her this morning, commenting on her recent marriage...

My strongest memories of Daren are tied up with my strongest memories of Nina. I had these three dolls, you see: a blonde, a brunette, and a red head, which perfectly aligned with my two friends and me. We would play for hours...I remember the day Daren moved away, and I remember the day Nina gave me a "Best Friends" necklace.

And now these two are both strong, intelligent, beautiful, adventurous women. Daren has been in Korea for nearly three years, following her passion and traveling to a new place to bring her sunshiney smile to a new group of fortunate people. Nina was an excellent scholar and is now married...I can't help but feel a little left behind, but at the same time my feelings of doubt or dissatisfaction in myself are more than eclipsed by pride in them. It isn't a question of measuring my travel or adventurousness against Daren's, or about wondering, if I'd taken Nina's route, I'd have been as successful...what I find most precious about being back in touch with them is the resurfacing of memories of playing together, planning together, laughing and crying and scheming together, and putting those memories together with my happiness for these competent, fabulous young women.

I really have amazing friends. How cool is that? They inspire me every day, and now I can get through the last afternoon of work this week with a smile on my face.

What friends or memories have inspired you?

Didn't I just get over being sick? And yet here I am, in bed, with a pint of Ben and Jerry's, having taken a half day to come home and nap. On the plus side, I totally hit the motherlode in this pint of Cookie Dough--seriously everytime I put my spoon in I get a chunk of delicious frozen chocolate chip cookie dough. So that's good--and Z.A.'s going to come take care of me after he's done with classes, so that's good too.

Until then, I always have Fitzwilliam. (My giant stuffed frog.)

Let's see...updates: Last Friday Z.A. and I celebrated our one-year anniversary by going to a Decemberists concert, which was completely amazing. I've finished my three-month probationary period at work, and am now qualified for health and dental insurance, which is excellent news, especially given my propensity towards being sick lately. I also started writing a NaNo Novel, which has gotten slightly derailed, but I won this week's writing contest over at brigits_flame, which is awesome!

That's pretty much it. Oh, and I have to bake a cake tonight for a co-worker, so...I really hope I feel better.

<3,

Lorna

So, what's the best way to keep a wayward muse around once you've caught her? Give her candy? Put her in a box? With a fox? Eating lox?

I've had a lot of coffee today.

So, today marks the beginng of National Novel Writing Month. I have, for better or worse, signed up, and fully intend to write 50,000 words by the end of November, if for no other reason than that I need to get these characters OUT of my HEAD for a little bit.

Lots to think about and write about from the past few weeks. I've been trying to word what I want to say about Scully, and about Papa Chu, while preparing for NaNo, and being less than a week away from the first one-year anniversary that hasn't been with Chris...

So help me out, people. Give me your best interpretation of the responsibility, or lack thereof, an observer has towards what he or she is observing. I'm curious to know what you all think.

It felt almost like fall today.

I love the sort of weather that involves blue skies, cool breezes, and warm, starting to slant ever so slightly downwards sun. As a native of the most beautiful autumnal place in the world, fall makes me feel cozy and poetic and, now that I'm looking ahead to another fall in the city, ever so bittersweetly homesick. I miss the long walks I used to take with my friends around the Loop; I miss laying on the Quad and soaking in the final few days of Indian summer. The trees here in Philadelphia are already getting brown; I miss the coppers and umbers and reds and yellows.

It's thoughtful days like this that make me think I do want to, after all, finish my degrees and then come teach English in a little school like Deerfield in a little town of next-to-no-consequence in New England. After all, I could enjoy the fall days then!

But I'm glad to be here in Philadelphia this fall. My other half and I are first going to New York this weekend to meet up with all those people I've been nostalgic for, thanks to those meandering late-summer breezes: there to hang out with a bunch of other people who I've never met, but who think it would be a good idea to have a party and celebrate my friend's engagement. I couldn't agree more. And who better to miss those crisp New England days with, but my old, as Anne Shirley would put it, "school chums"?

Not to mention October's anticipated arrival, boasting not only Halloween, but the anniversary of my house's first coming together: when the four of us were finally settled in to our cozy, albeit somewhat bizarre, living arrangement. It also marks Z.A.'s sister's wedding. I'm having the filet mignon. He has a new suit. His mom gave me some shoes to wear to it. If I'm not mistaken, this will be a smashing time.

The boy himself has buckled down to that other fall tradition: schoolwork. I'm both proud and envious of him; I think this path is really the right one for him, and I wish I had his certainty. I'm three years older but have far less of an idea of what I want to do with myself or what I'm good at! Fortunately, I have him around to tell me that I'm good at lots of things, so that helps.

The mid-autumn will mark the end of the probationary period at my new job: that means health insurance! It also means I'll be held much more accountable, but you know? I'm actually pretty darn good at this stuff, so I'm not worried. Not to mention November holds Thanksgiving as well as my one-year anniversary with the sweetest boy in the world...

So it should be a good fall. But I still miss those winding, windy leaf-ridged roads...

A meme? Here? Well, why not?

From flyakate and capedcrusader92

1. My username is ______ because ______.
2. My journal is titled ____ because ______.
3. My friends page is called ____ because ______.
4. My default userpic is ____ because ______.


1. My username (for this journal) is lornas_desk because "Lorna" is a nickname that stuck (as in, "Hey, Lorna, how you Doone?") (....yeah, I know), and I wanted to use this journal mostly as a way of keeping my family in the loop, much in the way letters could, or a diary left on a desk. It's the surface I use to write notes to my family and friends.

That failed utterly, of course, but I still like having it around.

2. My journal is titled "A little bit of marginalia" because I feel like that's what I write here: little notes that skate around the pages of my somewhat novella-esque life, connected to little arrows and excitable words like "SYMBOLISM!!!!!"

3. My friends page is called "Friends." Hey, give me a break! This isn't my normal journal!

4. My default icon is because Gidget has always been an alter ego of mine. Plus, she's super perky (look at that girlish smile!) and that cheers me up and reminds me to stay positive. After all, gotta be smiling when my Moondoggie shows up, right? (Sorry, Z.A.)

So it's been...over a month. Hmmm. Reeeeeeally gotta start updating this thing more regularly...

Items of interest: I got that job that I was so nervous about. I now work as a paralegal for a firm that specializes in taking people's houses away from them. Yup; we do mortgage foreclosures! But it has its bright sides. For example, I really do enjoy the law aspect of it--and even though I do get the occasional twinge of conscience (I am, after all, working for the bad guys), it's interesting stuff. You would not believe the number of people who just skip out on their mortgages and figure we won't come after them.

I got a haircut. ( See?><a href= )

It was free. \o/

Z.A. has a new place! I spend a lot of time there.

His mom still gives me stuff. I still feel weird about taking it. But those shoes are so cute...

That's pretty much the important stuff.

When I'm stressed, I start to get stomachaches and headaches and I have a tendency to snap at people. Right now, I have a stomachache and I've definitely snapped at several people (including customers) today.

Tomorrow I have an interview for a legal assistant position at a large, wealthy Center City law firm. This position doesn't pay super well, but it's a significant step up from my Starbucks wages, and I'd finally get a chance to see if law isn't the right career for me after all. I was excited about all of this up until tonight, when the familiar pre-interview dread started to approach slowly but steadily. I've lost weight and my suit doesn't fit quite right anymore; what if I don't seem professional enough? Thoughts like that, which ought to be rightfully laughed off as insignificant, are instead settling in my stomach like lead. I've had a lot of high hopes for interviews over the past year, but none of them have panned out. It's hard to feel optimistic when the norm has been failure, or at least dismissal.

On top of the normal jitters, I've been feeling fidgety and edgy anyway; there've been several epic arguments with ZA that make me uncertain about some of our interactions. I keep expecting one of us to get upset, like I can hear the ice cracking under my feet.

Phew. Take a breath, Lorna. Do a little meditation, say a little prayer, take a shower, relax. You are an excellent candidate for this position. You're gonna do great.

Thanks, more rational self. Now please tell that to my stomach.

Hugs? Advice? Words of comfort?